Insecurities can hurt like hell
Feeling awful when you look in the mirror is a horrible kind of pain.
When your reflection brings you shame, sadness, or maybe even disgust, it can impact so many areas of your life. And it feels so unfair because you didn’t get to choose your genetics or decide on society’s beauty standards. If it feels like your insecurities are a painful reality you must learn to live with, I promise, it doesn’t have to be this way.
Being unable to see or appreciate your unique beauty could be mistaken for ‘honesty’, ‘realism’ or ‘humility’, but often that’s the type of thing we say justify or mask the pain.
You can keep telling yourself looks ‘don’t matter’, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. And buying all the products designed to make money from your low self-image is not going to help you long-term.
That’s because the underlying root cause of your distress is almost never actually about how you look.
Despite what you might think, your nose, ears, eyes, eyebrows, figure, fat, height, hair, proportions, symmetry, skin texture, all those insecurities… none of it is the issue.
The real issue is the story you are telling yourself about why your insecurity matters. This story feels logical and based in factual real-world experience. But this story you’re clinging to could also be like a seal on your heart, blocking you from deeper spiritual insight.
How to stop feeling ugly, insecure or unattractive
If you’re feeling insecure, unattractive or ugly, it will be hard for anyone to convince you that you’re not. This is because you’re carrying around a belief system, built over years, reinforced by persistent negative thoughts and experiences, which can take a really a long time to dismantle.
So instead of trying to convince you not to feel the way you feel, I want you to think about something that sounds strange, and perhaps a bit challenging:
How you see yourself tells you how you see Allah.
It might sound a bit odd, but hear me out, because this is the stuff your therapist is unlikely to tell you…
Remember your truth
First, let’s remember that Allah who created you says this:
“Indeed, We created humankind in the best of forms.” – Qur’an 95:4
“It is Allah who made the earth a place of settlement for you and the sky a canopy, and He formed you and perfected your forms, and provided you with good things.” – Qur’an 40:64
“He created the heavens and the earth in truth, and He formed you and perfected your forms, and to Him is the final return.” – Qur’an 64:3
Allah says you’re perfect as you are. But you believe you’re not.
When Allah says one thing, but you feel the opposite is true, it doesn’t mean you don’t have strong faith. It means you’re missing something important.
This disconnect between Allah’s universal truth and your own personal experience, is an invitation from Allah to reach a higher level of consciousness.
When we look at it this way, it subtly shifts our approach. Instead of asking ‘what do I need to do to look and feel better,’ the question becomes:
‘What do I need to do differently to see the truth clearly?’
This is a question for your heart and soul, rather than your eyes or brain.
“O Allah, show me the reality of things as they truly are” – Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
Start by reclaiming your dignity
“When your Lord said to the angels, ‘Indeed, I am creating a human being from clay, from moulded mud. So when I have proportioned him and breathed into him of My Spirit, then fall down before him in prostration.’” – Qur’an 15:28-29
Humanity is animated by Divine breath – Allah breathed of His Spirit into Adam. Human beings, are thus honoured above creation, so special that even the angels, made of light, were ordered to bow down to this new creation. Think about what this tells you about how special you are, just as you are right now.
No one has the right to critique your appearance, or judge you.
“Indeed We created you, then We formed you, then We said unto the angels, ‘Prostrate yourselves before Adam.’ And they all prostrated save Iblis; he was not among those who prostrated.” – Qur’an 7:11
Is inferiority the same as arrogance?
“He said, ‘What prevented you from prostrating when I commanded you? He said, ‘I am better than him. You have created me from fire, while You have created him from clay.’” – Qur’an 7:12
Remember when Shaytan refused to bow down to Adam, because he was made from fire, whereas Adam was made from clay? He fundamentally missed the point about what is so special about us and our capacity to act as Allah’s deputies on earth.
“And when We said to the angels, ‘Prostrate to Adam,’ they all prostrated except Iblis. He refused and was arrogant and became one of the disbelievers.” – Qur’an 2:43
We mustn’t look down on others, but on the flip side, we’re not supposed to feel inferior either.
Adam didn’t get upset and say, “yes, you’re right, I’m not as good as you, I hate that I’m made from mud. I wish I was made from fire or pure light instead.” And neither should you.
Your worth, beauty and status are God-given no matter what, and no one can dispute that. Not even you!
Facing the truth about how you look
“Who perfected everything He created. And He originated the creation of man from clay. Then He made his descendants from an extract of a humble fluid. Then He proportioned him and breathed into him of His Spirit and gave you hearing, sight, and hearts. Little are you grateful.” – Qur’an 32:7-9
Allah did not only make you in a general sense, but also personally chose for you all your specific attributes.
You’re not just unique. You are specific. Think about that for moment.
That means every little quirk and ‘imperfection’ is a tailor-made gift that was chosen by the All Loving, the most Generous, the Subtle, the Kind.
Let’s say, for example, you have a wonky smile and crooked teeth. If someone designed their ideal face, would it have crooked teeth and a wonky smile? Probably not. But does that mean the world is not better because it has your smile in it? Of course it is! What this also tells us, is that humans often have a herdlike mentality, following the crowd by default. Perhaps if Allah had let us choose, we would all become one boring version of the exact same thing. Where’s the fun in that?
In fact, look at ‘trend’ culture – people all seem to be chasing the same clothes, same styling, same designer brands, same facial features with the same filler and plastic surgery, same home interior design… same same same. But we weren’t created to worship an algorithm!
Reality vs Illusion vs Delusion
You might think the idea of looking at yourself and thinking ‘Yes! I look 10/10!’ is totally unrealistic. But for now, let’s not try to aim for that.
The goal isn’t necessarily to look in the mirror and think: ‘Wow, I’m the best-looking person ever’. The goal is to look in the mirror and think: ‘Mashallah, there I am! I love all the quirks and uniqueness that makes me me. I have no need or desire to compare myself to anyone’.
But it’s hard, because body dysmorphia can blow things way out of proportion. And the narrative you’re clinging to is chipping away at your self-esteem and sense of worth.
- Reality: there is nothing wrong with me
- Illusion: ‘I need to change myself’
- Delusion: ‘My life would be better if I didn’t look like this’
Your looks don’t shape your destiny. That’s the whispering of Shaytaan.
If you’re holding on to the belief that how you look is either negatively or positively impacting your success, love life, happiness etc, then perhaps you’re unintentionally making your appearance a more powerful idol than Allah.
Reflect deeply on this.
People don’t attain love, success, wealth, peace, fame etc because they are good-looking. That’s just our perception. Look deeper. They attain it because it was written in their rizq by Allah – it can be given or taken in a heartbeat. And these things can be a blessing or a curse, depending on what they do with it.
“And if Allah touches you with harm, there is none who can remove it except Him, and if He intends any good for you, there is none who can repel His Favor which He causes to reach whomsoever of His slaves He wills. And He is the Oft-Forgiving, the Most Merciful.” – Qur’an 10:107
What’s written for you will not miss you because of your height, or the shape of your lips, or because people have said hurtful things about your body.
Think about this again: how you see yourself tells you how you see Allah.
The bigger picture
Maybe you got your cheekbones from your grandmother. What if your eyes are the result of a miraculous marriage between your great-great-great grandparents that broke all of society’s rules.
Imagine, a man loved his wife so much he prayed all his descendants would have her wonky smile/big nose/messy hair, and God accepted. Maybe your body fat represents a thousand years of your ancestors’ resilience.
What if your limbs were never intended for selfies, but for strength and survival…
For hundreds of thousands of years, DNA was passed down from person to person, each with their own story and special qualities, and a tiny trace of them blended with others to form each new generation. You are the result of countless love stories, adventure stories, miracles, tragedies and triumphs. You are the progress of centuries.
Every tiny detail that makes you up is a miraculous event in time and space that defied all the odds, because Allah willed you to be here.
Allah says ‘Be’ and it is. And here you are. Perfectly you. So let yourself be.
In part two we’ll discuss practical things you can do to feel better – coming soon!
Essential reading if you’re struggling with the way you look
- Self-love in Islam
- Dhikr and Meditation
- Healing from Trauma and Abuse
- The Secret of Gratitude
- Blog: Letting Go of Obsession – A Spiritual Balancing Act
- Blog: How to Stop Feeling Ugly & Unattractive Part 2 – coming soon
Jazakallah sister….it helped alot…we will wait for the next part
Actually…when you said God honoured us, which to an individual person reading is [“God honoured me too…” ]
There’s also a feeling, a thought, that says,
There was nothing special about you to begin with, and on top of that God favoured you?
He actually placed a bolder on you which is soo heavy
The feeling goes by as if something inferior was honoured, so their inferiority actually ends up increasing further
An expression [“I was nothing special but God did this such huge favour”]
And gratitude becomes mixed with guilt
Because you did nothing to…earn it…deserve it…
It’s not just about appearance anymore, it’s when you look at others, the sheikh said its a recipie to unhappiness and misery
But when you do start focusing on the blessings God gave you and try to be grateful, actually those blessings start to feel so big that…sometimes you slip, you fall off, tye immediate thought is “God gave you soo much and this is how you act?”
the person tries to negotiate with their own thought and say “W-What?? N-No that’s not true…”
So the voice responds
“Oh really? Realistically speaking, what else? What do you think of it? Amazing?”
Anyways, jazakallah kair sister
Oh, sorry, one more thing
When the person does try to look at themselves through the lens of mercy
The voice responds
“How much more…? How much more do you WANT to receive? Isn’t it enough that you’ve received soo much? And still favours of God, one upon the other? What did you even DO to DESERVE it?”
It’s almost like it’s picturing something very lowly, very…very…in a looking down upon way
So in the end, It becomes a barrier, to accessing God’s mercy, because the person is already pooling with soo much guilt
Wsalam, thanks so much for your thoughtful comments.
I get what you mean. Guilt and shame have a powerful way of stopping us from feeling worthy. When your inner voice is whispering “You didn’t actually deserve that honour” it can be an incredibly heavy feeling to carry – like everything you do fails to live up to it. In fact, you’ve even described it like a “boulder”.
But let’s think about it from another perspective. Allah’s mercy is not something we have to earn. If it was, we’d all be doomed! Allah isn’t merciful because of who we are, Allah is merciful because of who He is. When Allah showers us in blessings it’s a reflection of His generosity and kindness.
Imagine a loving mother with her baby. The mum wants love, protect and give her baby the absolute best of everything. But what did the baby do to deserve any of it? The baby just cries, wakes the mum up, makes the mum exhausted physically and mentally… But still the mother never says, “this baby needs to earn the love and blessings I give it”. That’s because the mother has a loving nature. Isn’t Allah more loving than this?
God could have made us perfect angels, but instead we were created human. And part of how we’re honoured as humans, is that no matter how weak, sinful, foolish, or silly we are, Allah still invites us back into His mercy again and again.
However unworthy you might feel, Allah has said you are worthy. Who knows, maybe a good deed you did and forgot about could be more beloved to Allah than the whole earth and weigh heavier in your scales than a thousand mistakes. So, I’d invite you to gently let go of any thoughts about what you ‘deserve’ or ‘don’t deserve’. This is a heavy boulder you can put down.
For what it’s worth, from you come across as a thoughtful, reflective, and striving to do your very best. Mashallah. May Allah increase you in love, peace and guidance, ameen.
Thank you again for sharing your experience. I think you’ve highlighted something important that many people quietly struggle with, and insha’Allah I’ll try to explore this more in a future blog post. (Part 2, should be online by end of the week).