This page will help you explore how you can increase feelings of self-love:
- What is self-love in Islam?
- Signs you need to work on improving self-love
- Eight powerful tips on building feelings of self-love
What is self-love in Islam?
“…when I have proportioned him and breathed into him of My Spirit, fall down before him prostrating. Thereupon the angels bowed down, all of them together. Save Iblis…” – Qur’an 15:29-31
Do you know that you, yourself, are among the most wondrous treasures of creation? When Allah created the first human being, Allah ordered all the angels to bow down to this new creation. Why? Because Allah ‘breathed His spirit’ into Adam, (Qur’an 15:29).
Whether we think of this metaphorically or literally, most Muslims understand it to mean that Divine qualities flow through our life-force, making all human-beings uniquely important to God.
This spark of Divine light is within you.
To love yourself, you must accept yourself. To accept yourself, you must get to know yourself. Can you really find true and lasting peace with God, if you have abandoned the truth of who you are? After all, God is Truth – Al Haqq.
Remember, you are capable of the most brilliant things, like: being able to love, perform acts of goodness, to learn, create art, choose your own path in life, and make your unique mark on the universe. A life of dignity, love, truth and beauty is your God-given birthright. Let this thought wash over you:
Right here, right now, in this reality, you matter to Allah – mind, body, and soul – exactly as you are.
Self-love is something we all need to invest in – no matter who you are, or what you’re going through – but especially if life is weighing you down. It really is impossible to overstate how essential genuinely loving yourself is for maintaining good mental health, spiritual health and physical wellbeing.
Self-love is your soul’s surrender to peace
“To me, self-love is faith. I don’t have the right to hate something Allah loves. That includes myself.”
You may not have thought of it this way before, but in many ways, the strength of your self-love mirrors the health of your relationship with Allah.
Self-love means going through life feeling totally confident that your rights and dignity are non-negotiable, because Allah said so. Allah loves you, so you matter. And when your sense of worth comes directly from Allah, instead of what other people think of you, or the things that have happened to you, or the circumstances you are in now, the easier it is to trust in Allah’s plan for you.
So stop fighting yourself and accept that you are good enough, just as the way you are.
“You can only warn those who follow the Reminder and are in awe of the Most Compassionate unseen. So give them good news of forgiveness and a generous reward.” – Qur’an 36:11
Signs you need to work on self-love
Signs that you could do with improving your self-love include:
- Unable to let go of negative thoughts
- Feeling unhappy with your appearance
- Never speaking up for yourself
- Feeling disconnected from life, or people
- Often feeling used, taken advantage of, or ignored
- Feeling lonely, even when you’re with other people
- Struggling with relationships
- Unhealthy relationship with food
- Self-harm, disordered eating or self-punishment
- Generally feeling down, depressed, sad, angry or hopeless
Eight powerful ways to increase self-love and compassion
- Stop chasing love
- Challenge your inner critic
- Follow your heart
- Give up unhealthy comparison
- Forgive your past mistakes
- Break free from people-pleasing
- Practice self-care (self-love in action)
- Invest in self-knowledge
1. Stop chasing love
“I am worthy of love. I don’t need a ‘because’ on the end of that sentence. And I don’t need to justify why – I just am.”
You were born, exactly as you were meant to be, free from insecurities and doubts. When you were a baby, if you were hungry, you never questioned whether you were worth feeding. When you wanted loving attention, you never questioned whether you were cute enough, or if you deserved it, or if you were being too demanding. And when you tried learning to do something new, you didn’t get embarrassed, call yourself an idiot, and give up after the first try. You simply tried again until you got it right. You were born knowing how to love yourself unconditionally.
Growing up, we experience things that teach us to believe that there are parts of us which are ‘wrong’, or ‘bad’, ‘unloveable’ or ‘unloved’. These emotional wounds, or ‘traumas’, are painful because they tell us that we need to change who we are, and how we act, in order to feel safe, loved and accepted. But the truth is, the more we try to change who we are out of fear and unworthiness, the more pain we feel.
You don’t need to fit into someone else’s image of perfection to be loved, or loveable. Love shows up in our lives in thousands of new ways each day, and your ability to give and receive love is not defined by your relationship status.
Love comes from within
“God is Al Wadud – the Loving, Ar Rahman – the Compassionate, Ar Raheem – the Merciful. I have to ask myself, am I embodying these qualities towards myself? If I’m not, then how can I start?”
“You can go on all the holidays, spa days and spiritual retreats in the world, but without self-love and trauma-healing, the high only lasts so long before you come crashing down.”
“Your life is not about tolerating pain, making yourself small, or being obedient to other people’s desires. Your life is about striving to live truthfully, and being the change you want to see in the world. If you don’t believe you’re worthy how are you going to do that?”
- Find out more about trauma-healing to let go of difficult experiences that made you feel unworthy, damaged, or not enough.
2. Challenge your inner critic
“Truly! We created humankind in the most beautiful stature,” – Qur’an 95:4
It might sound weird, but have you ever spent time simply noticing your thoughts? What type of things do you tell yourself that don’t feel very kind or loving?
Writing a daily journal can really help you with this. Even just for a day or two, try jotting down a quick note each time you notice negative thoughts about yourself. But remember, this is not about judging yourself, just paying attention and noticing any patterns.
The more you observe your thoughts, the more you might notice that your negative thoughts sound a lot like the people in your life.
Your ‘inner-critic’ might sound just like a hard-to-please parent, an opinionated friend, or like the voices you’re hearing in the media.
Exercise: Understand your inner voice
- Am I polite or rude to myself?
- Do I speak to myself as kindly as I would to a friend who was struggling?
- How often in a day do I experience negative thoughts or feelings about myself?
- Do I accept these thoughts, try to ignore them, dwell on them, or try to fight them?
- Do I speak respectfully about myself to other people?
“Just because you think it, doesn’t mean you have to believe it. And if you believe it, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true.”
Exercise: Challenge your assumptions
Pick one or two negative opinions that really bug you. Try asking yourself:
- Are these opinions truly mine, or do they belong to someone else?
- Where/when did I learn to believe this point of view?
- Is there a kinder/alternative way of looking at this thing/situation?
- What advice would you give to your best friend if they were having these thoughts?
- Is there someone I trust who can share their point of view to help me see this differently?
3. Follow your heart
“So hold fast to that which We have inspired in you. Truly you are on a straight path… But when he brought them Our signs, behold, they laughed at them.” – Qur’an 12:76
People say follow your heart for a reason. While your brain exists to help you navigate your reality, your heart exists simply to keep you alive. Think about that. Your heart’s purpose is dedicated to your life and your wellbeing – that’s it.
Your heart knows what’s up. It calls on you to be true to yourself – even if the rest of the world thinks you’re crazy, or your ego is chasing after worldly gain.
Your heart’s language isn’t words, but feelings, instincts, yearnings, gratitude, relief, kindness, vibes, and that feeling when for some unexplained reason you ‘just know.’
Be gentle with yourself
It is the voice that speaks to you with pure, unconditional love – wanting only what is best for you, to bring you deeper into Divine love, truth and mercy. Your heart will never tell you that you’re not good enough.
“When a thing disturbs the peace of your heart, give it up.” – Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
“There is no doubt that hearts becomes rusty just as copper and silver coins become rusty. The polish for this is dhikr (the remembrance of Allah). This is because dhikr is like a polish [which polishes the heart] like a shiny mirror. When dhikr is left, the rust returns. But when dhikr resumes, then the heart is polished again.” – Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
The more you nurture and nourish your spirituality, the easier it becomes to distinguish what your heart is telling you from the many other voices around you. The easiest place to start is through regular dhikr (remembrance of Allah) and meditation, and through personal prayer.
- How to practice dhikr and meditation
- Read more about prayer and mental health
- Get tips on exploring your spirituality
- Figure out how to find your unique purpose and mission in life
4. Give up unhealthy comparison
“O humankind! We have made you…into nations and tribes, so that you may get to know one another. The noblest of you in God’s sight is the one who is most righteous.” — Qur’an 49:13
You are a beautiful soul, full of strengths, experiencing life in your unique and sensitive body.
No one in this world can compare to you, because no one else is you!
You’ll always find people who have more than you, and people with less than you. Life is about taking what you have, and doing your best with it. While you can’t control some things, you can choose your perspective. So give yourself permission to witness and appreciate what you like about yourself.
Only God can judge us
“And do not invoke another god with Allah; there is no god except He. All things perish, except His Face. To Him belongs the Judgment, and to Him you will be returned.” — Qur’an 28:88
Remember, when we act as though our own, or somebody else’s, view of us, is the undeniable truth – on whether we’re good/bad, important/insignificant, beautiful/ugly, success/failure – we place our trust in our ego instead of Allah. This is a fast train to dissatisfaction. We all do this from time to time, the important thing is to notice when it happens to that we can let these feelings of judgment go.
One of the best antidotes to unhealthy comparison and self-criticism is gratitude.
Set yourself free
“Self-criticism and worrying about people’s opinions is literally like putting yourself in prison and being your own jailer.”
“An orange tree doesn’t get sad because it can’t produce olives. And an olive tree has no idea how to make oranges. You get what you’re given and that’s ok. The world is better because all the trees make different fruits. If you’re an orange, don’t change for the people who prefer olives – just find the crowd who appreciate you for you!”
“Fear of what other people might think stopped me doing the simplest things – like leaving my house without lots of makeup, speaking my mind at work, and truly being myself around friends and partners. I look back and think how I wasted some of the best opportunities because I was dedicated to my negative beliefs. Thankfully, it’s never too late to learn. When you finally learn, better opportunities arise, inshallah.”
“My mind was a constant stream of ‘I’m not as funny, not as rich, not as devout, too stupid, too fat, too nerdy…’ These types of thoughts are literally the devil. And they all boil down to just one uber-thought: ‘I am not good enough’. But it’s a lie. Good enough for who? Stop being hard on yourself. You are plenty good enough.”
5. Forgive your past mistakes
“Whoever does wrong, or wrongs themselves, but then seeks the forgiveness of God will find God forgiving and merciful.” – Qur’an 4:110
‘Self-criticism’ tells us we have a flaw, or we did something wrong.
‘Self-knowledge’ tells us why we have the flaw, or why we did that thing wrong.
‘Self-judgement’ tells us that because we are flawed and did things wrong, we are a ‘bad person’ and we deserve to suffer.
It’s self-love that permits us to welcome our flaws and errors like old friends, because they are teaching us beautiful lessons, making us stronger and wiser. It reminds us that we are not in fact on this earth to suffer, but to step from darkness into light.
Of course, not everything you do is wonderful. Striving to be the best version of yourself is an honourable and worthwhile pursuit which requires a lot of self-reflection and discipline. But it requires compassion, forgiveness and patience too.
“If you did not sin, God would replace you with people who would sin, and they would seek forgiveness from God, and God would forgive them.” – Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
Supressing or holding on to feelings of guilt, regret, embarrassment and shame, is only going to keep you stuck in cycles of negative behaviour, self-sabotage, and result in persistent feelings of low self-esteem, depression and anxiety.
Exercise: Forgive and let go – out loud!
Find a private space where you’re unlikely to be disturbed. Try looking in the mirror, or at a photo of yourself, and saying “I forgive you” and telling yourself all the things you most need to hear.
“If God loves me, even with all my flaws, why shouldn’t I love me? If God can forgive, so can I.”
“When I look back and think ‘omg how was I so stupid?!’, I remind myself that back then I did what I could with what I had at the time. Me from the past did not know what today me knows now. And the fact that I can look back and see my mistakes is a sign of growth. Learning is a positive. The lessons were worth it. Who I am now is what counts. Alhamdulillah, always.”
“Why worry about not being perfect when even God expects you to make mistakes – you’re human! It’s about learning the lesson and trying again. If you’re paying attention, each lesson makes you stronger and a better person.”
“As long as there is breath in your body you have time to repent, make a change, ask forgiveness and turn over a new leaf. Life is about who you are now, in this moment, and what you will do. Not who you were then and what you did before you knew any better.”
If you’re having a hard time with self-forgiveness, or you’re struggling with a memory/memories that make you cringe, want to run away and hide, or provokes a strong physical or emotional reaction in you, it’s probably an emotional wound that needs healing.
- Find out more about healing from trauma and abuse
- Read about repentance and forgiveness for your mental health
6. Break free from people-pleasing
“And he said, “Truly I am going to my Lord, He will guide me.”” – Qur’an 37:99
We can easily fall into the trap of thinking that pleasing others automatically equals pleasing Allah. We might often sacrifice what makes us happy and fulfilled for others, out of fear of looking selfish, mean, or weak if we don’t.
But the point of any sacrifice in Islam is to make us grow into strong, empowered, dignified beings who live in contentment and spread light. If our sacrifices leave us feeling crushed, small, weak, rejected, insignificant or drained/burnt out, the chances are we need to look again at what’s actually going on under the surface here.
We grow up learning to seek approval from the people around us – that’s completely normal. It’s healthy to want to be liked and to have friends. And when we choose to give our time and energy to someone as an act of kindness, that is a beautiful thing!
But the important thing is to make sure we are choosing to act in a certain way because we want to, and not because deep-down we’re afraid of what will happen if we don’t. This is the difference between an empowered positive choice and a negative, disempowered choice.
Don’t give away your power
For example, you worry that your partner might stop liking you, so you keep saying ‘yes’ to them, even though you really want to say ‘no’. Or, you’re always afraid to tell your friends your real opinions, because you think they’ll get upset, and so you never express your true feelings, making you feel trapped and depressed.
Remember, you are only responsible for your actions and intentions. You have no power to control how someone reacts to you – and it’s not your place to either. Uncomfortable feelings are not wrong, or bad – they are a necessary part of life. People should be allowed to feel them.
Exercise: Questions if you think you may be people-pleasing
- Am I being treated with respect in this situation?
- Am I treating myself with respect in this situation?
- How am I holding myself back? If there were no possible bad consequences, what would I be doing or saying?
- Which of my values am I upholding? Which of my values am I ignoring? (Love, truth, justice, peace etc).
- What advice would I give someone I love if they were in my situation?
- Have I voiced my needs and point of view clearly so that the other person has a chance to genuinely understand how I feel about this?
7. Practice self-care (self-love in action)
“And trust in the Mighty, the Merciful.” – Qur’an 26:217
Self-care means acting in a way that is consistent with loving yourself. That means looking after your basic needs – physical, mental, social, emotional, and spiritual.
It’s time to focus on your needs by doing things specifically for your own health, mental health, enjoyment, self-development, comfort and fun!
When what you want conflicts with what you think you should want, or with feelings of responsibility towards people you care about, or towards God, suddenly self-care can seem impractical. Is it really possible to do as we please, follow our dreams, let people down, and still be good Muslims? The answer is yes! Find out how by reading your full self-care guide.
“If you’re on the fence about doing something just for you and your own mental wellbeing, why hesitate? You’re worth it.”
8. Invest in self-knowledge
“We raise in degrees whomsoever We will, and above every possessor of knowledge is one more knowing.” – Qur’an 12:76
Time and money spent on getting to know yourself better is always an investment. Remember, you can’t ‘buy’ good mental health, but the more time you invest in understanding yourself, the better you will handle relationships, work, and life’s ups and downs.
Of course, we can only do as much as is practical within our individual circumstances – but something is always better than nothing.
Invest in yourself
The longest relationship you’ll ever have in life is with you – so invest in yourself! Here are some things that might help:
- Consider joining a local library
- Ask friends about books/podcasts that helped them see the world differently
- Listen to something that interests you for five minutes on your commute to work/school
- Follow social media accounts that help you learn and grow and make the most of YouTube
- Take a look at the mental health resources page for helpful accounts and videos
Useful resources to help boost self-love and mental wellbeing:
- Learn about trauma healing – important for everybody who finds self-love difficult, especially if you have experienced any form of abuse or mistreatment
- Is therapy or counselling good for Muslims? Thoughts on navigating mental health support as a Muslim living in a non-Muslim context
- How to have honest conversations about your mental health with someone you trust – for anyone struggling to open up
- How to practice dhikr and meditation to support your wellbeing – amazing if you struggle to feel peaceful, are going through a lot, are under stress or you’re struggling to make sense of your life/identity
- Prayer and mental health – help (re)build your connection with prayer
- A guide to explore your spirituality – get to know yourself on a deeper level and find purpose, meaning and fulfilment
- How to inspire stronger feelings of gratitude – especially helpful if you struggle with a harsh inner-critic, feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, or low mood
- Guide to finding your path – for anyone looking for motivation, or feeling lost, confused and uncertain about the future
Whatever you are going through right now, you can get through it – and you deserve all the love in the world.