Giving yourself permission to express your feelings is brave and empowering. Talking about your feelings with people you trust is an important step towards healing your emotional wounds and feeling better.
This page covers:
- Why talking about your feelings matters
- Who should I talk to?
- Tips for preparing for a conversation about your mental health
- Having the conversation
- What to do after the conversation
1. Why talking about your feelings matters
Feeling able to talk about what you’re experiencing is one of the most important tools in your toolkit for getting through a difficult time, and for maintaining positive mental wellbeing.
Admittedly, it isn’t always easy to talk about your mental health, especially when you’re worried about how the person you’re talking to will react.
One of the reasons it can feel so hard to talk about our mental health is that we might never have been taught how! In fact, many of us were taught the opposite – “stay strong”, “stop complaining”, “don’t be ungrateful”, “be a man”… But there is nothing wrong with feeling your emotions – they’re in your body for a reason!
Shame prevents healing
Too many of us were raised to believe that struggling to cope has something to do with being a ‘bad Muslim’, or a ‘weak person’ – but that’s not true. And the sad fact is, the fear, shame, guilt and silence ruins lives. Silence kills. So if you’re struggling right now, please do not go through this alone.
Benefits of talking
Benefits of talking include:
- Feeling less alone and isolated
- Feeling the weight lift from your shoulders
- Process your thoughts and feelings more easily
- Improve ability to sleep well
- Reduced stress
- Strengthening relationships and building connections
- Improving empathy and understanding between you and others
- Gaining emotional support from people who care about you
- Inviting new, helpful perspectives on your situation
- Help finding solutions and suggestions that can really help
Whatever you are going through, you have nothing to be ashamed of and people who care about you will want to help, the same way you would want to support the people you love too. So don’t let feelings of guilt and shame stop you getting support and being open about what we are going through with people you trust.
“I have sometimes felt awkward afterwards, but I have never once regretted it. Saying what’s on my mind always led to something good – even if it was just the relief of hearing myself speak. Honestly your brain lies to you – whispering like the devil – keeping you trapped. You just have to spit it out and go with it!”
You are human – you’re supposed to feel!
“When you’re in that dark place you feel like you’ve fallen into a black hole. The biggest trick your mind plays on you is to tell you you’re on your own. You start to believe all the roads are closed… But you have to fight against that feeling. It’s a lie. Because the truth is, there is always someone who can help you. There is always a way forward. Even if you can’t see it, maybe someone else can.”
“I felt like no one would understand me, so there was no point trying to explain. But actually, when I told my friends, I was shocked some had gone through the same painful loneliness too. It was a relief, just hearing people say they weren’t coping. This guilt feeling went away, and it was like I had permission to not be ok. I needed that.”
“It comforts me reading stories of the prophets and how they felt sadness, grief, worry, loneliness and everything else. If they suffered and they were the most grateful, faithful people ever, then what about me? I’m a regular human and I’m allowed not to feel ok.”
2. Who should I talk to?
“A faithful believer to a faithful believer is like the bricks of a wall, enforcing each other.” – Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
Feeling trust and safety with someone makes it much easier to open up.
When thinking about who you might want to talk to about your feelings and personal matters, consider whether you respect their opinion and values, and whether you believe they will have your best interests at heart.
This could be a friend, family-member, teacher, therapist, (school) counsellor, family-friend, colleague, or your doctor/GP. Sometimes there isn’t a ‘perfect’ person to open up to but often people are more empathetic and kind than we give them credit.
- If you’re not sure who to turn to, check out the mental health resources page.
You are not alone
“I felt like as a guy it was not ok to be emotional or get affected by things that have happened to me. But I needed help. I didn’t know where to start so I just started with my school counsellor and she helped me take it from there.”
“You deserve to be heard and acknowledged by the people in your life – you are a part of their life, as much as they are a part of yours. You can’t always be ‘the listener’. They’re not the star of the movie of your life, you are. Give yourself some lines – take centre stage.”
“It was easier for me to speak to someone about mental health who wasn’t in my family.”
“[As a woman] I feel safer opening up to other Muslim women, because other people just don’t get it. They haven’t lived it.”
“If you’re worried about being ‘too much’ or causing people worry, forget that. You would want to be there for them if they needed you. You can always ask the person, ‘are you in the right space to hear about how I am feeling right now?’”
3. Tips for preparing for a conversation about your mental health
“Behold! Surely on the friends of Allah there is no fear, nor shall they grieve” – Qur’an 10:62
Tip 1: Pick your language
If you speak more than one language, think about which language you feel most comfortable speaking in to describe your feelings. Are there any words or phrases which feel important to translate if speaking with someone who does not speak your preferred language?
Tip 2: Write down some notes
If you’re worried about where to start, try writing a few bullet points about what you want your family to know and understand. This might help you get your thoughts in order and take away some anxiety, and stop you getting flustered.
You can always refer back to these notes during your conversation if it helps, or ask the person you are talking to to read them instead, if speaking is difficult.
“Once I wrote down a load of feelings in the longest text message ever. For me when I need to talk about really deep personal stuff, writing it is easier than face to face. I know for a lot of people it’s the other way around – but anyway – if you find conversations about dark stuff hard, I’d say try it.”
Tip 3: Find a metaphor
Is there a TV show, movie, or book you and your friends/family are familiar with that you can use as a relatable example of what’s going on, and what life feels like? This might help you feel more comfortable expressing yourself, and also help the other person understand. Don’t worry if you can’t think of anything – only do this if you find it helpful.
Tip 4: Role play
If you’re worried about how the person you want to open up to will react, (whether it’s a boss, parent, partner, friend, or teacher) consider having a practice conversation with a friend, a pet, a stuffed toy, or the mirror, to rehearse what you want to say. It might feel silly, but keep going, it can help.
If you’re worried about encountering cultural stigma about your mental health (people telling you “it’s evil eye”, or you need to “be more grateful”, and all those types of unhelpful responses) struggles here are some tips that can help.
Tip 4: Remind yourself – you are not a burden
You must let go of any guilt about ‘bringing people down’ or being a ‘buzzkill’. It’s not true. Everyone has ups and downs, and everyone needs support sometimes and that’s ok. The people who care about you will want to help you. You are not a problem – you are a person. Your job is not to make everyone happy all the time.
Tip 5: Plan an exit strategy
Having the conversation in a location where you feel safe and comfortable is also helpful. It might help if you choose to be outside of your home environment.
If you’re nervous about how the conversation will go, that’s ok. You can take some of the pressure out of it by making plans for afterwards. This will give you a natural time limit to your conversation.
Tip 6: Expect the unexpected
Be prepared for the conversation to go differently to how you are expecting. It could go better than you could have imagined, or it might not be as easy you imagine. You might end up crying, or laughing, or both. It’s a good idea not to get too carried away with your expectations and instead focus on your intentions.
Tip 7: Just do it
The tips above can be super helpful. But they’re not supposed to be stalling tactics. It’s ok if that first conversation isn’t perfect – it might be difficult, frustrating or tense. But as they say, the longest journey starts with a single step. Don’t wait for the perfect moment – the only time you have is now.
4. Having the conversation
“He who alleviates the suffering of a brother out of the sufferings of the world, Allah would alleviate his suffering from the sufferings of the Day of Resurrection, and he who finds relief for one who is hard-pressed, Allah would make things easy for him in the Hereafter…” – Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
Tip 1: Ask them if now is a good time
To avoid frustration, it’s helpful to be clear in advance that you have something important you would like to communicate. You could try saying something like: I want to talk about something that is very difficult for me, are you in a place to talk about this with me right now?
This way they can tell you themselves if they don’t have the headspace to support you. If they say no, that’s ok, it’s important to respect their boundaries and seek help from someone else. But if they say yes, then feel confident and free to express yourself as you need to.
Tip 2: Tell the person this conversation is important to you
If you’re talking about your mental health with someone for the first time, they might not realise how much this matters to you – or what kind of response you are expecting. You could try using phrases like this to set the tone:
“I want you to know this conversation is important for me. It is taking a lot for me to open up and be vulnerable with you.”
“I really just need someone to listen to me right now. I’m not looking for advice, I just need to get this off my chest. Are you happy to listen?”
“I really don’t know what to do and I admire and respect you, so I would really value your advice at the moment because I am struggling with…”
“Do you mind if we talk about something serious? I am going through a difficult time right now and I could do with a friend to be there for me.”
Tip 3: Tell your listener what you want from them
It sounds obvious, but it isn’t! People can’t support you in the way that you want them to, if they don’t know what you want.
Do you want advice or for them to just listen? Are you seeking comfort or do you want tough love? Do you want discussion or reassurance? Is it helpful to know if they have been through something similar or not?
If you want something – tell them!
Tip 4: Go with the flow
A conversation rarely goes how we scripted it in our heads. We can’t control anyone’s reactions and it’s important we don’t try to.
Speak from the heart and trust yourself to find the right words at the right time.
You could try using phrases like:
“I’m struggling to find the words to express myself but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk about this, I’m just not sure how to.”
“I’m grateful for your patience and support in listening to me. I have a lot to tell you and I’m not sure where to start.”
“Something that has been on my mind lately is…”
Tip 5: Remember your feelings are valid
Remember, your feelings are valid no matter what anyone else has been through – if something is important to you, it is important.
Not everyone is a great listener, and some people like to talk about their own experiences instead of listening to yours. This can make it feel like a competition or like your experiences don’t matter by comparison – but this isn’t true.
If you feel like the topic is drifting away from what you want to talk about you can always say: “I’d really like to keep talking more about this feeling/situation I am going through at the moment, because I am struggling quite badly right now.”
Whatever happens, be proud of yourself for taking this important step.
5. What to do after the conversation
“And it is He who sends down the rain after they had despaired and spreads His mercy. And He is the Protector, the Praiseworthy.” — Qur’an 42:28
“My life looked so perfect on the outside, I felt so guilty for wanting to die. Talking about my feelings… it was like I was finally confessing the truth to myself. I realised I had avoided talking about it, because I was trying to avoid ever actually facing it. But when you face up to things, that’s when they lose their power over you.”
Plan a self-care activity for afterwards
A conversation about your feelings can feel like a weight lifted off your shoulders. Chances are you will feel good afterwards, but you might also feel emotionally and physically drained. You won’t know how you’re going to feel but it can help to think of something small you can do for yourself that you really enjoy – like getting your favourite meal, watching your favourite comfort TV, or going for a walk with a friend.
Don’t give up – keep going
Your first conversation with someone might end up being the best conversation you’ve ever had. So go into it feeling optimistic. But remember, it’s perfectly ok if it doesn’t go in the direction you had hoped for.
One conversation rarely, if ever, solves everything.
It can take effort making yourself understood and might take a few conversations to explain what’s going on in your life and how you feel about it. That’s ok. Keep going. It’s probably a new experience for both of you and the good thing is, the more you practise, the easier these conversations become – especially as you become confident voicing what is helpful for you and what isn’t.
And remember, there are plenty of people out there who can be there to support you too – different people will be able to offer you comfort, advice and a listening ear.
“Indeed, Allah will say on the Day of Resurrection: ‘Where are those who love each other for the sake of My majesty? Today, I will shelter them in My shade on a day when there is no shade but Mine.”” – Prophet Muhammad
May your conversations lead to even more beautiful outcomes than you could have hoped for, and may Allah open up the right doors to your healing and happiness. May your dua’s be answered and your tranquillity and ease guaranteed, ameen.
Get urgent support
If you’re in the UK or US and need to talk to someone right now, here are some places where you can get free 24/7 support by text or call:
- SHOUT Crisis Text Line – text shout to 85258 (United Kingdom)
- Samaritans Helpline Service – call 116 123 (United Kingdom)
- Crisis Text Line – text HOME to 741 741 (United States)
- Suicide and Crisis Lifeline – call 988 (United States)
If you’re not in the UK or US you can search your location here or here.
You might also be interested in:
- Dealing with cultural mental health stigma
- Considering therapy
- Prayer and mental health
- Feeling suicidal – you can get through it
- How to overcome anxiety
And your Lord says: “Call upon Me, I will respond to you.” – Qur’an 40:60