This page will help you explore:
- What is cultural mental health stigma?
- Things you can do to help your parents understand you.
- Six common cultural responses you might get when you start talking about your mental health, and how you can respond:
- What to say when parents/elders say: “We don’t talk about mental health”
- How to respond when someone says: “You just need to pray more, or increase your iman”
- What to say if someone dismisses you by saying: “You’re possessed by a jinn! Someone has done black magic on you!”
- How to respond to a diagnosis of: “Someone has put ‘evil eye’ on you”
- What to do if your parents are more worried by protecting their reputation or honour, asking: “What will people think?”
- What to do if your family thinks marriage will cure you!
What is cultural mental health shame and stigma?
Every culture on the planet has different approaches and attitudes to the topic of mental health. And sadly, mental health stigma exists all around the world – in pretty much every society, to different degrees.
Within many Islamic cultures there are some attitudes that can make mental health struggles feel much harder.
These attitudes are often tied to the idea that anxiety, depression and other mental health struggles are simply the result of weak faith. This idea has created a culture of guilt, shame and stigma, around mental ill health. In this culture, we find that many people refuse to accept when they or their family members have a problem. Sometimes suffering in silence is even seen as a positive thing, because of the belief that life is ‘supposed to be a test’ and complaining is ‘ungrateful’.
The fear of being judged and rejected is real and can make mental health struggles even worse, keeping you trapped in a world of private suffering.
When people do open up about what they’re going through, they often feel dismissed, shut down, or given a solution that just doesn’t work for them. For example:
- A depressed person might pray five times a day and wake for tahajjud, but still be told to pray more, making them feel like giving up.
- A person with anxiety might be told they have weak faith, when actually Allah is the only thing keeping them together, leaving them feel completely misunderstood.
- A person who is self-harming might be told their being ungrateful because other people have it worse, and that guilt and shame could kill them.
The mind, body and soul are all deeply interconnected. It’s valid to explore your connection with God and faith as part of your healing process, (that is what this site is for!). But blame, shame and telling someone off for the way they’re feeling is never going to help anyone.
You cannot shame someone into having good mental health.
Even the prophets experienced deep emotional pain, worries, hardship and sadness. That means you and I should not feel guilty for experiencing human emotions and difficulties.
Islam is not supposed to make you feel bad! Your purpose is not suffering.
Even if many Muslims have forgotten, it’s true that we actually also have a rich and diverse Islamic tradition of learning, psychology, medicine, communal healing etc at our disposal.
Islam must never be used as a weapon to harm you, or to stop you getting the support you need. It is a tool for you to find true and lasting peace. Beware the difference!
Talking to immigrant parents (or people who have a culturally different view of mental health)
Talking about how you feel is often the first step to feeling better.
But it can feel soul-crushing when a parent, or someone you confide in, dismisses you or tries to minimise what you’re feeling, or tries to blame or shame you.
It’s normal to feel frustrated or betrayed when the people who are supposed to have your back are the ones who help you the least. But don’t be disheartened. Although it may not feel like it, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want to help you. It probably just means they’ve never been taught how.
You don’t have to hit a dead end
How people respond to your pain is a reflection of their own upbringing, values and trauma, it is not a reflection on who you are, or what you are going through. In fact, how your parents/family/friends deal with you, is likely to be a reflection of of how they deal with themselves. If they’re unable to process your pain, they probably haven’t processed their own. If you think of it this way, it might change how you see them.
While your family/community might not have the knowledge, skills and experience to support you, remember, people can and do learn, so don’t give up hope.
And until then, there are other people out there who will know how to support you – and it’s ok to let them.
Things you can do to help your parents understand you better
If your parents use unhelpful Islamic advice to shut down a conversation or dismiss your experience try these things:
- Tell them exactly what they can do to support you. For example: I don’t really want advice right now, I just want you to listen and try to understand my feelings. Or, I need you to come to the doctor with me, because I feel scared and lonely. People find it much easier to help then they know what ‘help’ means to you.
- Describe the feelings in your body. We might talk about emotions differently, but physical symptoms are easier to understand. For example: my heart beats so fast and I struggle to breath sometimes. Or: I feel like there is a heavy weight on my chest and shoulders.
- Take a look through the Islamic mental health resources page and try sending some reels/videos from Muslim therapists/content creators who you think they might listen to (and benefit from). A slick video from a qualified Muslim professional from a similar cultural background can make a big impact.
- Invite your family to follow accounts that you find helpful, especially accounts that share advice and information on the issues you’re struggling with. Educating your parents doesn’t have to be patronising or painful, and you might be surprised what interests them.
- Think about who you know that might be able to speak to your parents on your behalf, like a family friend, relative, imam. This can help you avoid getting into an argument or getting upset, and invite a new perspective that they’re likely to pay attention to.
- Try to use examples based on things your parents have experienced personally to make your experiences more relatable.
- Reassure your parents that you’re talking to them about your problems because you value and respect them. Sometimes parents can feel like they’ve failed or are being unfairly criticised when they see their child is not happy. It’s natural for parents to react defensively and not even know why they are upset.
- Keep learning. The more you know, the easier it will be to navigate family relationships and feel better able to cope. Bookmark this site and use the navigation bar above to explore topics that speak to you. You can come back as many times as you like – you’re always welcome here!
“While there are certain people I love, I know they have no clue what they’re talking about and that’s ok. I love them anyway. I’m not an expert in cars, so I wouldn’t expect anyone to ask me to fix their engine. They’re not experts in mental or spiritual health so I don’t expect them to know how to handle my issues. We don’t share enough common experiences. When I let go of my unrealistic expectations, it took a lot of stress out of my relationship with them.”
“I’m super clear about what helps me and what doesn’t. I need hugs, I need help with cooking sometimes, I need kind words, I need them to hold me in their prayers. They know how to do that, they don’t always know how to do other stuff. They want good for me, so in a way it’s on me to give them ways to help me that they are actually capable of.”
“In case you need to hear it today: Yes, you should talk about it. No, marriage won’t magically make you happy. Yes, you’re already God-fearing enough, thank you very much! No, you’re probably not possessed – but sure, it’s always a good idea to recite surah Baqarah, why not?! Yes, people are judgmental, but let the haters hate (they’re going to talk about you anyway). Allah is with you, no matter what they say. And when Allah has your back, you know that in the end, you’re going to be ok. You got this.”
What to say to your parents if they respond with cultural shame and stigma
Here are six common, (and unhelpful) reactions from parents when they hear their child is experiencing depression, anxiety, or any mental illness, and some suggested responses:
1. What to say when your parents say: “We don’t talk about mental health!”
There’s nothing more annoying than having a conversation about your feelings and symptoms shut down. This can sound like: ‘stop complaining’, ‘just get on with it’, ‘other people have it worse’, ‘you’re being selfish’, ‘have more sabr’.
You could try saying something like this:
“God placed such a beautiful bond between us and instructed us to look after each other. Please help me to feel safe, loved and respected, the same way I love and respect you. Within our private home let’s try to be open and relaxed. No one else is here to judge us and I need to feel safe with you.”
“I want to be able to tell you anything. I want to be able to talk to you about this because I love and respect you, and I know no one loves me more than you. When you tell me not to talk about my feelings it makes me feel very lonely and very upset. There is no harm in talking, but there is harm in me feeling this way. I am very worried about what will happen to me, because I can’t ignore these feelings.”
“I know this isn’t an easy conversation for either of us, but please will you promise me that you will try to understand? If you are open to listening, I think it will bring us closer together. I really value your patience and understanding. I am always grateful for your love and support.”
“Your response to hearing about my suffering makes me worry that no one has been there to listen to you in the past when you were having a difficult time. Maybe you always felt like you had to be strong and keep your feelings hidden. I want you to know that I would never judge you for how you feel, if you ever wanted to share anything with me. Even if I don’t know how to help you, I will listen to you and support you with all my heart.”
2. How to respond when someone says: “You just need to pray more, or increase your iman”
You could try saying something like this:
“When the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) saw a man leaving his camel without tying it up so that it might wander off in the desert he asked him, “why don’t you tie down your camel?” The man answered, “I put my trust in Allah.” The Prophet (pbuh) then replied, “Tie your camel first, and then put your trust in Allah.” Didn’t the Prophet (pbuh) teach us that while we should pray for the best, we should also do whatever we can to make our prayers a reality? Please help me tie my camel.”
“I know you are saying this from a place of love, but when you say things like this it feels like you are dismissing my feelings and it makes me feel invalidated, upset and guilty. Every human being has difficult thoughts and feelings at some point – even people who pray all the time. I am trying my best, but it feels like you are blaming and shaming me.”
“If I broke my leg, you wouldn’t just tell me to pray, you would also make sure I saw a doctor and rested. And you would check up on me and see how you could help me while I wasn’t able to move around much. Just because you can’t see my pain, doesn’t mean it isn’t there, or that there aren’t lots of different things that might help me, as well as prayer.”
“There should be no shame or stigma around having feelings – we are all human.”
3. What to say if someone dismisses you by saying: “You’re possessed by a jinn! Someone has done black magic on you!”
Often people try to avoid confronting uncomfortable truths by blaming someone or something else. This can sometimes mean that instead of facing up to the idea that someone they love is struggling (and maybe they might be part of the reason), they blame supernatural forces instead.
Please note, if you’re hearing voices, hallucinating or experiencing anything out of the ordinary you may be experiencing psychosis or schizophrenia which can be helped by medical attention. Do consult with a doctor if you are experiencing these. If you’re worried you are in immediate danger of harming yourself or others, contact emergency services.
You could try saying something like this:
“I am really glad you’re helping me look for a solution. And I am happy to explore these possibilities with you, if you are also happy to explore other possible explanations with me too.”
“I know it upsets you to think of me suffering. But I think you might be suggesting this because it’s easier for you to accept that someone/something else is causing me this problem, rather than accepting that there are difficult things happening in my life right now that might be making me feel this way. I would really appreciate being able to talk to you about some of the things that are going on with me right now, so that we can think together about how I can get through them.”
4. How to respond to the diagnosis: “Someone has put ‘evil eye’ on you!”
Most cultures have a tradition of evil eye, nazar, or envy which can affect people negatively. We know there is an Unseen realm, and we seek refuge in Allah from such things, however, we do not know the Unseen. That means not simply dismissing the things that harm us as ‘evil eye’, when there can be other causes and remedies.
You could try saying something like this:
“It is something I have considered, but I think in this case, the root of this problem might be deeper. I need more support with how I am feeling. Whatever has caused me to feel this way, I am struggling and would really appreciate you being open to exploring different things with me that might help me to feel better.”
“There are some things that are happening/have happened in my life which are seriously affecting me. I don’t want to ignore those things. We need to deal with them.”
“There is none more Mighty or Powerful than Allah. I am reading my kuls and ayat-ul-kursi every day. I am praying, and I give sadaqa regularly. I have asked Allah to protect me and lift any evil eye from me. So if someone has sent the evil eye towards me, I am sure it has no power over me because Allah is with me and Allah responds to those seeking His protection. But I am still feeling this way. I don’t think anyone is necessarily to blame for this. What I am experiencing is normal and it can get better but I will need lots of love and support from you.”
5. “What will people think of us? We will look like bad parents/a bad family! We must protect our reputations and honour!”
This one hurts. You know your health and happiness should be your family’s priority, and it’s ok for you to feel upset when your pain is not being taken seriously. You’re not a bad son/daughter for wanting to prioritise your own needs, health and healing, so don’t feel guilty for voicing your feelings.
You could try saying something like this:
“Silence is how shame and stigma thrives. Everyone is going through this but no one is talking about it. That’s a problem, but we can be part of the solution.”
“I really appreciate how important your reputation is, and I know how judgmental people can be, but the truth is every single family goes through ups and downs – even if they hide it. If people really care about you and respect you, they will be kind and want to help you, rather than judge you.”
“I know you love me more than anyone and that means you will want to put my health and happiness above the opinion of people outside this family. We are all going to have to be brave. Doing the right thing isn’t always easy, but we can get through this together.”
“What will we say to Allah if we place the judgement of other people above the judgement of Allah? Surely we believe that our reputation with Allah is based on whether we care for each other properly. We can get through this together, with Allah’s help. Let’s try to be compassionate and merciful to one another.”
“Remember, there were people who ridiculed and talked badly about our Prophet (pbuh). It never stopped him – even for one second – from doing the right thing, no matter what. If the Prophet (pbuh) was here now, do you think he would care about your reputation in the community, or your actions and intentions?”
6. What to do if your family thinks marriage will cure you!
“You will feel better once you’re married – we just need to find you a partner!”
Warning! Alarm bells should be sounding if someone suggests that marriage will solve all your mental health concerns.
Is a loving partner helpful – yes. Is it wonderful to feel loved and taken care of – yes. Does it make a difference to feel supported emotionally and financially – absolutely. But marriage is a relationship between two people with different personalities, problems, trauma, emotional baggage, skills, histories, communication styles etc. That’s why marriage can be tricky to navigate and not the fairy tale walk in the park we see in the movies.
If you’re struggling with your mental health, you should take all the time you need to work on the things you’re struggling with, and go at your own pace. It’s not a spouses responsibility to ‘fix’ you.
Never let anyone pressure you into a relationship you don’t want, or don’t feel ready for. And don’t try to hide your mental health struggles from someone you’re planning to tie your whole life to. You both deserve the best chance at building a happy, healthy life together, so you should both be able to communicate well about what kind of support you want and need from each other.
If someone is pressuring you to get married, you could try saying something like this:
“I know you only want the best for me and I really appreciate that and I know you will appreciate openness and honesty from me. Based on how I am feeling right now, I don’t think marriage can be the solution. If I get married, my problems will still be there. I feel like I need to focus on myself right now.”
“When I choose to get married, I’d like to go into it feeling happy, healthy and mentally strong. Unhappy people are more likely to have unhappy marriages. I don’t want to start my marriage badly.”
“I don’t know when I will get married, but I deserve to feel happy now. I know that it is possible for me to feel great on my own, even before marriage. Until then I want to focus on doing what I need to do to feel good now.”
“When you say things like this it makes me feel like I am not important to you and that my life is not valid unless I am married. I have lots of different goals in life other than marriage.”
“The pressure you are putting on me to get married is affecting my mental health. I have thought about what you have told me and I understand your point of view. I think you have made some really good points. But right now I am feeling very upset. Please can we not talk about this topic any more until I let you know that I am ready. I promise I will let you know.”